When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
This was a bad idea all around
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*