I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
You Might Also Like
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
These aliens are taking forever.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.