Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

Why are bridges so flammable.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”