Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”