I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
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Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal