Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

You’re never alone. Theres mold