Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peak technology

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

X-tra spooky blend

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.