Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*