Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.