Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

How it started How it’s going

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

My dream car is a taco truck.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”