I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Holy crap this is wonderful
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.