I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
![]()
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*