I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with