I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Hot Hot Hot
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.