Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Camel dough

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Siri: Retweet me.

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

marvel comics have peaked

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

My work here is don’t.