Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

Not all heroes wear capes…

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.