Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mmm onion ringos

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

me and who

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

*Grilling salmon

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