I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen