@java_assassin

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

@Dani_Feld

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

@ArfMeasures

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

@_Tempo11

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

@natalayhehoo

My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge

@MarfSalvador

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

@alovablenerd

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

@fro_vo

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

@Reel2Dialog2

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

@MissHavisham

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.