I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

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Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”


The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”



Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time


I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.


My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge


Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge


i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it


[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer


Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.


My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.