Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

My brain is a bad influence on me

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”