I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
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My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume