I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
