Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

🤫

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

Software Development ⛵️

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids