Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“MOOSE!!!”

“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”