I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
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Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Cardio Made Easy
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight