I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.