Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

*puts my mental health in rice

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Just as the prophecy foretold

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?