I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
The news in a nutshell.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug