Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

This will teach them to underestimate me

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.