Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

Mornin

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

sigh