Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

me refusing to leave twitter

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb