Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Boom, boom, ching!

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field