I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
How I like cutting carbs
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.