I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.