Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

good work, detective

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.