I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”


It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.


“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.


Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now


If you feel like your parents didn’t hug you enough as a child then it’s probably because they didn’t really want you.

Good talk.


okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?


[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”


me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private


*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*


*runs away giggling*


“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*