“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.
“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If you feel like your parents didn’t hug you enough as a child then it’s probably because they didn’t really want you.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
*runs away giggling*
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*