I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price