Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

My plans: 2020:

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty