Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

I am patiently waiting for your email

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight