I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Who knew!
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Ha
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Breaking news:
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.