I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
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7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.