Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

somebody come look at this

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*