I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
You Might Also Like
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.