I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
You Might Also Like
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.