Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Dead sexy!!