Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

The Punning Dead.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.