Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?