Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

i wish i could marry a nap

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy