I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My dad.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
at ease…shoulder.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
That took me a moment.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The smoothest fall of all time
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.