I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.