Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

I might give this a try 😏

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.