I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”