I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.