I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.