I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
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Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Who does Amazon think I am?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Am I having a stroke?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard