Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
DRIVING ON HIGHWAY
Wife: You just missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you just MRS right.
Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger
My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?
I’ve been on Twitter too long
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
finally found a reasonable question
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.