I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No


WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.


Wife: You just missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you just MRS right.


Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger

My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?

I’ve been on Twitter too long


Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.


I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.


Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.