Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*