Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

Perfect

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.