Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

my first dose meeting my second

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.