Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.