I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.

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Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.


One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.


Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Adam Levine walk into a bar..

..and it burns to the ground and it’s finally safe to turn the radio back on.


I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.


the four elements are:

• earth
• fire
• air
• water
• surprise


Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.


If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene


my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”


It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.