How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
🤣🤣
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
fourth time’s the charm
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here