@Eightinchgoat

I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.

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@MatthewACherry

Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.

@mrsjohngoodman

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

@RayfromCincy

Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Adam Levine walk into a bar..

..and it burns to the ground and it’s finally safe to turn the radio back on.

@BastardProphet

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

@yupthatpaul

the four elements are:

• earth
• fire
• air
• water
• surprise

@TheCatWhisprer

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

@Fred_Delicious

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

@itsPKav

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

@CantWaitToNap

It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.