I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?