I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
You Might Also Like
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Doggies just call it style.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED