Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: