i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
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[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
.. do you even science?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor