i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
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a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?