Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”