i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
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Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?