Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.