I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
🤣😂🤣😂
CRYING
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
