I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
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My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
A classic…
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.