I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Important reminders
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life