I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
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Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.