Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda