I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
#parenting
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The only equipped I am is ill.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?