I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.