Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

This is the one

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t