Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »